Sometimes, my faith sucks…

I was doing so well.

Praying multiple times a day, doing my devotions, being thankful for what I have, and having faith that God has a plan for my life and trusting that He knows what’s best.

And then, I had to ask my boss for time off for my mission trip to Zambia. I would need to use my week vacation, a personal day, and two unpaid days. I felt confident that this wouldn’t be a problem. After all, it wasn’t like I needed the extra days because I was going on a cruise. While we would see some amazing things on the trip, the majority of it would be spent working with the students and teachers at Lifesong for Orphans.

My confidence was high. I just knew everything would be fine.

Then it wasn’t.

My boss, who is one of the greatest people I have ever worked for, said she would have to talk to HR about it. She didn’t seem thrilled. She didn’t say, “Oh I’m sure that will be fine!” She wrote down the dates and said she’d let me know tomorrow.

Yes, this could all work out. But let me tell you, sometimes… my faith sucks. The pessimist inside me says, “It probably won’t work out!” Or maybe that’s the devil I’m hearing.

I should have great faith right now that God will work this out. How this whole trip came to be is an amazing thing in itself, why would God NOT work this out? Because sometimes God has other plans. And that’s what scares me. Even though God knows what’s best, I don’t always like it.

I will be devastated if I can’t go on this trip. I’ve already psyched myself up to meet all those orphans- to play with them, sing with them, show them God’s great love. Tearing that away from me now would just crush me. It’s also the number one thing in my life I have to look forward to right now. It’s what’s keeping me happy right now, keeping me going each day.

So often, I tend to expect the worst. That’s a terrible trait to have, and I’ve even told others lately to expect great things, amazing things, and they will start to happen! But sometimes, it’s just so hard. Like I said, sometimes my faith sucks.

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5 thoughts on “Sometimes, my faith sucks…

  1. Has God opened a door yet my dear? I pray so! But I saw your post and wanted to share this devotion from “My Utmost for His Highest.” It greatly help me right when I was going through some tough times ministerially…The Key To The Missionary -The basis of missionary appeals is the authority of Jesus Christ, not the needs of the heathen. We are apt to look upon Our Lord as One Who assists us in our enterprises for God. Our Lord puts Himself as the absolute sovereign supreme Lord over His disciples. “Go ye therefore.” Go simply means live. Acts 1:8 is the description of how to go. Jesus did not say – Go into Jerusalem and Judea and Samaria, but, “Ye shall be witnesses unto Me” in all these places. He undertakes to establish the goings. “If ye abide in Me, and My words abide in you” that is the way to keep going in our personal lives. Where we are placed is a matter of indifference; God engineers the goings. “None of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself” That is how to keep going till we’re gone. ~

    Finally, Matthew 17:20 – He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” A tiny grain of true faith, rooted in submissiveness to God, is effective. Because God deals out his gifts in a certain measure: According to the measure of faith. The measure of spiritual gifts he calls the measure of faith, for this is the radical grace. What we have and do that is good is so far right and acceptable as it is founded in faith, and flows from faith, and no further. Now faith, and other spiritual gifts with it, are dealt by measure, according as Infinite Wisdom. Christ had the Spirit given him without measure, John 3:34. But the saints have it by measure, Eph. 4:7. Christ, who had gifts without measure, was meek and lowly; and shall we, that are stinted, be proud and self-conceited? (Matt. Henry Commentary)

    Hang in there daughter of Zion, God opens doors no man can shut and closes doors no man can open! Keep up posted!

    1. Oh wow- that is all so beautiful- thank you for sharing! I need to print that out and carry it around with me. And good news- I got the time off approved at work, so I WILL be going to Zambia in June! God is good!

  2. PRAISE THE LORD! I know that because of your passion, God will honor not the fact that you have this passion for the less fortunate, but the fact that your passion is to serve Him. We all get in a place sometimes while we are walking through this life time. But as you walk through, God has already sent His angels to guard His plans He has for you and the life you living for His Kingdom. Discouragement comes, but whatever doesn’t kill us, helps us to be the person God has predestined us to be!

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