It’s not about being judgmental…

“I smoke, by the way. I hope that’s OK.”1391828_untitled

It was the text that took my heart from, “Could this guy be my happily ever after?” to “Take care, it was nice meeting you.”

In November I went on a few dates with a guy who seemed pretty cool. I wouldn’t say we “totally hit it off,” but we certainly had a good time, and there was potential there. But then he let me know that he was a smoker. At first I thought he was kidding. There was no way this athletic coach was a smoker. Turns out, he wasn’t kidding.

I let him know that I don’t date smokers, and then before I knew it I was being called judgmental and that him being a smoker didn’t define him.

There’s a huge difference between being judgmental and knowing the habits you don’t want your boyfriend or future husband to have. I have friends who smoke, and while they know I worry about them for health reasons, I don’t think any of them would say that they feel I judge them.

557070_alcoholic_dream_Another example is drinking. I don’t mind a guy who drinks socially, but I do mind that guy who posts on his Facebook, “About to get WASTED tonight!” For me, that’s an insanely huge turn off. It doesn’t mean I am going to un-friend the guy and no longer speak to him, it simply means he’s not a guy I would want a relationship with.

I’ve noticed a few things this week in the opposite sex that I definitely don’t want in a mate. Some of my guy friends have these traits or habits, and they know I’m not judging (I’m also not trying to date them).

If someone doesn’t want to date you because you smoke, drink too much, have too much debt, or some other reason, it doesn’t always mean they are judging you. It just means you have some qualities they aren’t looking for in a mate. Respect that, and move on.

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5 thoughts on “It’s not about being judgmental…

    1. Whoa- that is weird! I like that post- and it makes me feel better about what I just wrote! It’s taken me YEARS to realize the things posted in that link (and I think it is just going to keep me single even longer lol). Thanks for sharing that!

  1. I agree with you, Natalie. I had some criteria (a mental list, if you will) that were deal breakers for me when dating. People who did anything to excess or extreme (drinking, smoking, having sexual partners, having children with other women, etc) were immediately ruled out, as were those who were not of the same faith. I do not think it’s judgmental to have criteria in place for choosing a mate. I found a man over 10 years ago who met all those expectations and I firmly believe God will lead you in the right direction for a mate. It always seems to happen when we are not expecting it.

  2. Well said, Natalie. Everybody has a “list” of dating criteria, either on paper or in one’s mind. That’s a good thing. Right after Spirit to Spirit contact should come common values in a dating relationship. A rational “list” will keep you from making an emotional mistake. If there is anything judgmental about it, it is judging what is right for you; and if you don’t judge that, no one else will. You are right on target. Know and protect your values!

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