Insecurity, weakness and manipulation: run away quickly, ladies!

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My dad and three brothers – good examples of great men who are strong and secure!

I haven’t always seen my worth. I may have said it, but I didn’t believe it. We all say we are worthy of love and friendship and an amazing career and great life, but we don’t always believe it. When you realize that you are worthy of all those things, everything changes, especially how you see men.

Over the years I’ve put up with a lot. I’ve dated an alcoholic, cheaters, jerks, liars and more. And I put up with it. No one held a gun to my head and said I had to be with men like that, I willingly participated. While not every guy I’ve dated has been terrible, many of them have been. I put up with it because I didn’t realize that I was worthy of more.

But aside from the glaringly obvious reasons to stay away from certain guys (addiction problems, abuse, etc.), there are three, more subtle, qualities that I believe should send all women running. If you don’t truly understand your worth, you’ll stick around. And trust me, it will be disastrous. It will not end well.

I’ve dealt with only a few guys since I returned from a year in Uganda, but I have been proud of myself for not allowing myself to deal with any of the following types of guys, especially those who embody all three:

An insecure guy

It’s possible to have insecure moments without being flat out insecure. But a full-blown insecure guy is something you don’t want to deal with. This can be tough because often the hottest guys are the most insecure. Their entire lives they’ve been judged by their appearance, and even though it’s because their appearance is good, it makes them question people’s motives.

Whatever he looks like, an insecure guy won’t trust you. Wanting a healthy dose of affirmation is understandable, but a guy who constantly asks if everything is OK, if he did something wrong, and if he constantly apologizes when an apology isn’t necessary, you might be dealing with someone who is insecure. He’s afraid he’ll mess up, he’s afraid he’ll lose you, he’s afraid you are interested in someone else. It’s exhausting to date someone who is constantly insecure.

A weak guy

A guy who is weak cannot handle stress. He’ll often turn to alcohol, drugs or other unhealthy things in order to deal with life’s tough moments. Granted, tough times will come, and people make mistakes in dealing with hurt. It happens. But a guy who is weak will take any little argument or bad day and turn it into something much bigger than it is. It’s almost like he’s a drama queen.

You don’t want a man who is weak. A man who can never deal with his feelings is pretty depressing to be around. Of course your job is to support your man when he has moments of weakness, but if he is constantly weak and not handling it like an adult, you’ll feel like you’re dating a child.

A manipulative guy

Chances are, if he’s insecure and weak, he’ll probably be manipulative. These guys are the worst, and this is probably my biggest pet peeve. A weak woman will fall for a manipulative guy. She’ll take the manipulative things he says and take them to heart. She’ll believe the things he says. She’ll feel bad. She’ll get herself into a terrible and sad situation.

Manipulative guys love to make you feel bad. They thrive off of telling you lies that make you believe you have hurt them in some way. In doing that, they have complete control over you. If you aren’t ready, you’ll fall for it. If you don’t see your worth, you’ll stand for it. And that breaks my heart.

Just a heads up, it’s actually quite entertaining to call out a guy who is trying to manipulate you. Once they realize their tactics won’t work on you, they’ll stay away. And you’re much better for it. Just like a strong man wants a strong woman, a weak man wants a weak woman.

At my age, the first signs of insecurity, weakness and manipulation send me running, and I wish more women would do the same. Sure this means I go on fewer dates. It might prolong my singleness, but I’d rather be single than dating a guy who is any of the above types.

Do you know your worth? If you do, you’ll realize that you deserve someone who is secure and strong, and someone who won’t try to control you. Those aren’t unrealistic qualities to desire in a man.

Why every man should watch a season of The Bachelor…

Every guy on the planet should be forced to watch at least one season of The Bachelor, but not for the reason you probably think I’m going to mention.

I don’t think this because guys could learn some tips about romance (although they could), but instead they can learn some things about women. There’s one huge thing in particular.

Took Ben awhile to learn that Courtney was the devil in the flesh.(Source: www.usmagazine.com)
Took Ben awhile to learn that Courtney was the devil in the flesh.
(Source: http://www.usmagazine.com)

Every single season of The Bachelor there is some sort of villain, some evil b*tch who all the girls hate and the guy totally falls for. This girl always thinks everyone is just jealous of her. And the guy believes it. How could this charming woman be so evil?! Clearly ALL the other women are wrong about her.

Eventually, even if it’s after the entire season is over, the guy finds out the truth- all the women were right- she really is an evil b*tch.

This is one place where reality television really is REAL, because I see this in real life all the time. Open your eyes guys, if there is a female you know that almost every other female you know can’t stand, hates, or strongly dislikes, THERE IS SOMETHING TO IT. The other girls are not jealous, they are not being catty… there is something to it.

“Oh she’s sweet,” they will say. “She means well,” guys will think. “She is just misunderstood. She doesn’t get along well with girls because they don’t understand her.” Um, no, she doesn’t get along well with females because she’s a complete jerk to other women. She would never, EVER reveal her true colors to any of the men in her life.

Learn a lesson here, guys. Open your eyes. Don’t fall for the line, “They are just jealous of me.” Take into consideration that if a lot of people don’t care for her, she’s clearly done some awful things to make people feel that way. No you don’t have to dismiss her from your life, but be careful. Whether it’s a friendship or a relationship with someone, if the majority of the other females in your life see something bad that you don’t, hear them out. They are probably right, and you are being fooled.

In defense of the guys…

I am by no means a “man basher,” and today I’m actually going to defend them a bit. I think females put guys through a lot of unnecessary garbage and that we often judge them too soon.

The other day I was talking with two of my good friends. One of them had been on a date last week. She’d heard from the guy every day, and he said he wanted to hang out again. They made plans for after he met up with some of his friends for a drink. He said it wouldn’t be long. It got to be past 10:30. He hadn’t called or text. She went ahead and told him she was going to go to bed and that they could reschedule. My other friend jumped in, “Wow, if he REALLY liked you, he would have let you know he was going to be there longer than planned.”

You know. All that “He’s Just Not That Into You” crap.

Yes, the guy should have text my friend and said he was going to be out later, that’s an issue of respect and common courtesy. But it’s by no means a reason to totally dismiss the guy. And why on earth would he “REALLY” like her, if they had only been on one date? There’s no rule that says you meet someone once and have to decide at that moment how you feel about them. Some things take time.

I understand the intentions of the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” But face it, if we applied that principle to any guy who made some silly mistake and took it as, “Oh he’s just not that into me,” then NO ONE would ever find someone to be with. Ever. It’s like hanging your own heart if you strictly follow that principle.

Granted, if a guy hasn’t called in two weeks, if a guy ignores you or if a guy is a flat out jerk to you, well then, duh. He’s NOT that into you. But women seem to take that book to extremes:

“He was only over for two hours? He’s just not that into you.”
“He wanted to play Call of Duty with his boys instead of watch a movie with you? He’s just not that into you.”
“He didn’t text you before noon? He’s just not that into you.”

While that might be true in some cases, there’s no reason to assume it applies to every guy.

Ladies, can we please lighten up? Everyone is so jaded and cynical! I, too, have been through a lot. I’ve been through a lot of things that most people don’t even know about. But that doesn’t mean I have decided that all guys are jerks or dogs.

Poor guys (yes, I feel sorry for them) can’t even say something nice to a girl without one of her friends saying, “Wow. That’s such a line.” I hear this CONSTANTLY.

One of my friends had a guy text her and say, “Good morning gorgeous!” and she said, “Can you believe he said that? That’s a little much.” Don’t we claim to want a guy who compliments us? Should he have said, “Whats up ugly monkey?”

It seems anytime I tell any of my friends that a guy  has said something sweet, they are quick to respond, “What a line!” or “I’ve heard that before. So-and-so used to tell me that all the time.” So, can a guy never say the same thing another guy said? Guys NEVER mean it when they say something nice? I find that hard to believe.

My friend might not ever hear from that guy again, and if a few days go by and she doesn’t, well then yes, he clearly wasn’t into her. But to decide off of this one instance that he clearly doesn’t like her is definitely jumping to conclusions.

Stop over analyzing his every move. Let’s give the guys a break. I see a lot of good guys out there suffering the consequences for what men before have done to a woman. Stop being so cynical. Start expecting GOOD things to happen in your life and they will. Sure some guys ARE jerks and full of crap, but don’t assume they all are or you’ll never find the happiness you desire.

When did class go out the window?

Sure I’ve had my “unclassy” days- my days in college where my shirt was a little too low-cut, I drank a little too much, and swore a little too often. And while I’m not the perfect lady at all times, somewhere along the line, I grew up. I found class and most of the time, I think I exude it.

What is class? “Elegance of style, taste, and manner” according to the dictionary. To me, class is not advertising the fact that you’re a slut. It’s not dressing like a whore and yet walking around complaining that guys only want one thing. Having class is having confidence, it’s being funny without being vulgar, it’s being sexy without being trashy.

From my experience, I’ve seen that class is NOT a desirable trait in women for most men around here.

Most of my female friends understand what class is. They are beautiful, educated, smart, funny, driven women who would make any man happy. But that’s not what most men appear to be looking for. I see guys being attracted to trashy, potty-mouthed women who wear next-to-nothing anytime they step out on a Saturday night.

I’m not hating on these women- that’s their choice if they wish to act like that and dress like that. No one should hide who they really are. I’m just curious as to why men are no longer attracted to a woman with class. A woman with class isn’t always a prude. Women with class can be sexy without being trashy- isn’t that desirable?

Apparently not. I see who I thought were smart, classy men chasing girls who post half-naked pictures of themselves on Facebook and tasteless Twitter updates.

If having some class is what is keeping me and some of my friends single, then so be it. We’re not a bunch of no-personality-having prudes or anything. I’d guess I’d rather wait around for a man who desires a woman with class than worry about the ones chasing women with none.

Ladies- what do you think? And guys, feel free to shed some light on this. If guys are going for women with no class, is it because they are only looking for fun, and not a serious relationship? Or is it something else?

Chains

Chains
October of 2010

These chains around my heart are there to protect it.

They are there so no one can get in, so no one can harm me.

You had the tools to break through those chains.

Day after day, the chains fell off.

My heart became exposed.

My heart became vulnerable.

My heart remembered how to love.

But then you put those chains back.

You didn’t have to.

You could have treated my heart like the fragile thing it is.

Instead I feel like you took those chains from before and used them to bruise my heart.

You used them to shatter my heart.

Used them to crush my heart into a cold, bleeding, useless thing.

And THEN you put the chains back on.

And threw away the key.

It took four months for you to take those chains down.

It took one week for you to put them back on and make it so I never open myself up to love ever again.